Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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