Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
