seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
