oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
