just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
