I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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