my shit smells like andre
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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