What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
