i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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