That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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