I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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