I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
