I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
