Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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