I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
