I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No stitches, just platelets and will power
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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