I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
