I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
