My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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