508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
