i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
