I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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