You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
