you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
