I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize