Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
