I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
