fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
