I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
