Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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