i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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