she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
