remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
