I met the friendliest cop last night
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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