I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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