I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
