Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
