Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
