I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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