he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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