I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
