If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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