I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
