my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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