By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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