I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just had sex on a roof
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
