It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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