First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you never un-have a 4some
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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