member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
