EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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